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Wednesday, November 28th, 2012

Time:Der Date: Wednesday, November 28th, 2012
Der Time: 21:04.
Mood: exhausted.
Today I got a nose bleed and made a woman cry on the phone. Overall just not a very good day of work.
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Thursday, October 11th, 2012

Subject:Fucking Emo Music In My Head
Time:Der Date: Thursday, October 11th, 2012
Der Time: 21:23.
Mood: lonely.
You know what rules? New Relationship Energy.

You know what sucks? Losing that NRE 2 days after you got it.

Yes, I know it was all for the best, the greater good, etc. But boy oh boy do I hate fucking altruistic relationship abandonment. I had more than enough of that in high school.

I am in such a foul mood tonight. Good thing the Nats won. It almost all balances out.
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Saturday, September 22nd, 2012

Time:Der Date: Saturday, September 22nd, 2012
Der Time: 20:49.
Hell is other people('s high school reunions).
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Monday, August 13th, 2012

Time:Der Date: Monday, August 13th, 2012
Der Time: 1:56.
Mood: restless.
Tags may indeed be annoying, as Michael Jordan says. But you know what else is annoying? Trying to figure out how to put on your underwear in a dark room.
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Wednesday, August 8th, 2012

Subject:And That Has Made All The Difference
Time:Der Date: Wednesday, August 8th, 2012
Der Time: 2:33.
Mood: cranky.
I feel like I am at a cross roads in my life, and I'm terrified I'm going to choose the wrong one. There are so many paths that stretch out before me. Like most paths, one can see the immediate results but not the long term - not where the path will eventually lead or what hazards are on the way.

Possible life routes:
1. Go back to work at temp jobs and save up for moving to L.A.
2. Go back to college, somehow, and get degree for getting better job down the line.
3. Do my best to act full time in extra / commercial work and hope Rachel doesn't kick me out of the house.
4. Study systems administrator course (at least 2 months) to get better job and hope Rachel doesn't kick me out of the house.
5. Say "Fuck it all" and move to L.A., selling all my stuff and abandoning my life here.

I want my degree. I do. I hate knowing I'm the only member of my extended family that doesn't have a college degree, and I still kick myself every time I think about the circumstances that led to me dropping out. But I question the benefit of a degree if I'm going to try for a serious acting career.

How much of a chance to I REALLY have of making it as an actor anyway? Not great, I know. But as I've always said, my odds are 0% if I never try. I'm in a community theater production right now, and while it's great, it feels in many ways like it's taking a step backward. It's not training, it's not film work. I must refocus that aspect once it's over, no matter what path I choose.

I am so confused and scared by the paths ahead of me that I shut down instead - I sit at home, partially bumbing off Rachel and my unemployment checks. I have to find a way out of this cycle. A way out of this super-funk I've been caught in for the last 6 months.
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Sunday, August 5th, 2012

Time:Der Date: Sunday, August 5th, 2012
Der Time: 22:12.
Kids week on jeopardy is both adorable and depressing. I know I was never that smart at that age.
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Wednesday, August 1st, 2012

Time:Der Date: Wednesday, August 1st, 2012
Der Time: 11:29.
Got into the 21st century and got an app for LJ. I should actually post more on here now. :-)
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Wednesday, June 20th, 2012

Time:Der Date: Wednesday, June 20th, 2012
Der Time: 10:35.
Mood: blah.
Last night I dreamt I was putting together a coffee machine. I'm afraid my imagination may be broked.
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Monday, May 28th, 2012

Subject:Hey You
Time:Der Date: Monday, May 28th, 2012
Der Time: 2:03.
Mood: lonely.
NGL: I'm feeling very lonely right now. I miss you, R.
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Sunday, April 22nd, 2012

Subject:Too True Tonight
Time:Der Date: Sunday, April 22nd, 2012
Der Time: 2:25.
The first noble truth of Buddhism is that there is suffering in the world.
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Saturday, April 14th, 2012

Subject:Acceptance, If Not Understanding
Time:Der Date: Saturday, April 14th, 2012
Der Time: 11:36.
Mood: anxious.
Day 42 of recovery. A lot has happened since my last update. I got insurance, as outrageous as the deductible may be. My doctor doubled my citolopram prescription, and it seems to be having good effects on me. My mood has stabilized to at least a tolerable level most every day. I haven't had a crying fit or a suicidal ideation in a while. Some days are even great, especially now that baseball season has started and I have something to focus on besides my own malfunctioning body. The side effects with the dosage increase were bad - mostly hypnic jerks waking me up, but they have lessened over time. I'm dealing with sleeping better now, mostly with the help of a kolonipam or two a night. I even started sleeping in the same bed with R again. Good thing - that bunk bed was starting to hurt my ribs.

I went to a regular doctor, and had them do a bunch of blood tests, in the hopes that something would show up. It's been two weeks now and I haven't heard back, so I fear the results are inconclusive and I'm stuck looking for a step two to pursue.

The itching/tickling still comes in waves, but now I will have entire days where there will be very little sensation. I'm not sure if the physical symptoms really are receding, or if I'm just becoming better at tolerating them. Perhaps in the end, if this is something mental/chemical, there is no difference between the two. I still have no answers, but at least I have some hope that this will fade completely. Eventually.

I just wish I knew what it was, so I could be sure it could never happen again. I think of the shame of my life in the last two months. The wasted time. The stress and agony I've put R and S through. The looks on peoples' faces when I did get out of the house - concerned but afraid of what might be wrong with me. I think of texting L, begging for a reason to live, for just the faintest glimmer of hope that it was worth going on. I think of the hell that I've fought through, literately a battle for life and death. And yet, having fought through all this, I still don't have the answer to a question as basic as "did the itching cause the depression, or visa versa"?

This time has been the darkest of my life. It was like hiking through a pitch black forest, while there was a thunderstorm going on and I was freezing to death. But I had to keep moving, I was never allowed to rest for a moment. And for a while, the darkness was closing in, winning. I feel like the storm is still around me, but now I can see the path in front of me, and even though I don't know where it's going at least I feel like it's worth following.

I just keep telling myself, "Just put one foot in front of the other. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other."
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Sunday, March 11th, 2012

Subject:I Would Trade My Whole Life To Have One Ray Of Sunshine On Your Face
Time:Der Date: Sunday, March 11th, 2012
Der Time: 13:46.
Trapped. That's the only way to describe this confluence of horrid emotions going through me. The weekends used to be my respite, my fun time. Now they're just as big a struggle to make it through as the week itself. I can't even blame the Seroquel anymore, now that I've transitioned off of it. The mornings of "Seroquel Hell" have been replaced by an aching, agonized conflict between severe depression making me want to sleep an infinite number of hours, and the itching - that soul wrenching, mind twisting itching - continuously waking me up.

My primary support structure has crumbled. R has run out of psychic reserves, and can't help me anymore. She has spent 75% of this weekend asleep. She has the same problem as me, without the conflict keeping her awake. I'm killing her now, and I don't know what to do about it aside from withdraw emotionally. So now I have no direct outlet for these terrible feelings I'm experiencing, and I shouldn't be the least bit surprised. When you're emotionally shitting all around you, you shouldn't be surprised when everyone in the area ends up sick.

I know the Citolopram can take a month to take full effect, but today feels like a major step back, and I worry the removal of the Seroquel might be having major negative effects on me.

I feel like the whole pointless weight of the world is down on me. I feel like I have two days a week to do with as I please and I have no urge to do anything with them but lay in bed and cry. This isn't a life I'm living - it's just a struggle to go from one sleeping combat zone to another. My earlier dreams of being a movie star seem like they were a million years ago. Now I just want stability in my nights and some reason to keep going on.
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Saturday, March 3rd, 2012

Subject:Up And Down
Time:Der Date: Saturday, March 3rd, 2012
Der Time: 20:31.
Mood: frustrated.
Day eight. Day eight of recovery. There's good and bad to report.

When I last updated, I was going through a day where I thought I was going to die - not because I was going to kill myself, but because I was simply going to run down - run out of me. Since then, I have slowly begun to see glimmers of hope in my life. The medication appears to be evening me out. I also have been reading a book R got me on DBT, which has been very helpful. I haven't had a serious suicidal ideation since Monday. Friday was almost a decent day at work, and more importantly, I haven't had a complete breakdown at work this week. That being said, things are still very very rough.

The underlying issue of the random itching is unchanged for the most part. At least now it's easier to deal with. It's frustrating, but it doesn't cause as much panicking. I'm scared still of what it could mean and whether it's ever going to get better. I know the Citolapram can take up to a month to take full effect, and it's only been a week now, so there's still a chance that my brain just needs more time to lower its sensitivity.

The worst thing I'm dealing with right now is what I have affectionately termed "Seroquel Hell". When they tell you that Seroquel may cause drowsiness, they aren't kidding in the least. My god. Mornings are an absolute nightmare to get through, no matter how much caffeine I take. The time amount of sleepiness has gone down over the week, but I am still very drowsy (and a little nauseous) for 15 hours after I take it. This can not continue. Either my body needs to adjust to the point where this doesn't last more than 8 hours, or I need to get off this stuff. I dread taking it at night.

Sleeping is still a struggle. Ambien stopped working for me after a week, which considering the amount I was taking, is unfortunately not surprising. The Seroquel plus a Klonopin is enough to relax me to where I can get to sleep, but I am so hypersensitive that it takes very little to wake me up again. The cats have gotten into a very bad habit of meowing outside the bedroom door. This has not helped things.

Things would be so much easier if I just had insurance. I applied for some, but it's been over a week and they haven't gotten back to me. I know I say this a lot, but I just want to go to back to how things were. I don't want to have this hypersensitive skin anymore. And I especially don't want to upset R anymore.
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Saturday, February 25th, 2012

Subject:Thick, Black Curtains
Time:Der Date: Saturday, February 25th, 2012
Der Time: 17:14.
Mood: gloomy.
Black times. Dark times.

I have officially upgraded this ordeal I've been going through from "worst time in 10 years" to "worst time in my life." The last terrible bout of panic attacks / skin mysteries in 2000 was bad, but at no point did I seriously have plans for ending it all. At no point did I sit in my car for an hour and a half, shaking and shivering because I couldn't face going back into work. At no point did I sit in a bathroom for 10 minutes, staring in the mirror and telling myself, "This is the final boss. This is as bad as it will ever get. If you can get through this, you can beat anything in life." At no point did I take up praying to a god I fully admit I don't believe in.

I gave up on doctor Salarian. He did eventually give me a call back about the Latuda, but not until after I had already made an appointment for the next day with a different doctor recommended by R. I don't feel like I can trust Salarian anymore. I feel he was so enamored of this new wonder drug Latuda that he didn't considering it might not be right for someone with straight up depression / panics.

The new doctor saw me on Thursday. I guess I gave a good impression of my current state, because she didn't spare the prescriptions. I'm now on Seraquel, Citolopram, and Kolonopram. Oh, and a rubber band to snap when I need to bring my attention back to my breathing. According to her, the Seraquel will do the most, but it takes up to a month to get up to full power. In the meantime, the Kolonopam is for acute panic attacks (7 on a scale of 10) and the Citolopram... well I'm not sure what that does, because one of the things she made me promise was not to look up information on the drugs. That's one of the things I do that might be considered a bad habit, because it starts me worrying about the listed side effects and addiction potentials. So I'm flying mostly blind this time. I can tell you that at least initially, it makes one VERY drowsy for about half the day, which is worrisome. R says that effect will go away over time.

So it's day two today. A Saturday. Day two of recovery. And I've spent it mostly in bed. I slept for 12 hours, sleeping in the only way I can nowadays, drugged up on Ambien. The itching and panic are too bad to sleep otherwise. The rest of the time not sleeping, I've been looking for a reason to exist. Depression this severe tends to bring on existential crisises, as if I didn't have enough to worry about right now. I somehow got up the will to go to the bank and cash some checks. I've eaten a little, or tried to. Everything I eat tastes lousy. I've been drinking a lot of Ensures. I spent 3 hours lying in bed, just trying to train myself to relax at the sensation of the itch. You have to celebrate the tiny victories when you're seriously considering the pointlessness of going on living another day.

Day two. Day two. Day two. God, please let them have gotten it right this time. Please let the itching be nothing more than my brain going hypersensitive to input.
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Sunday, February 19th, 2012

Subject:Like Terrible Cogs Moving Together
Time:Der Date: Sunday, February 19th, 2012
Der Time: 13:26.
Mood: crappy.
So I suppose an update is in order.

The rest of the week wasn't much better. The Benadryl was a no-go. Whatever the issue with my skin is, it's not related to histamine, because Benadryl has no effect and there's never a rash in any case, even when I scratch repeatedly. What there is is occasional sore spots, especially on my knees and fingers.

I think the reason this has been so difficult to diagnose and treat is that there's not just one thing wrong with me. And all of the things that are wrong are synergistic. I feel hideously depressed and low on motivation (especially this weekend), which makes me want to sleep more or at least not get out of bed. This is complicated by the fact that when I lay in bed, I feel the panic that is now highly associated with laying in bed trying to sleep (and god help me if I feel what might be an itch or a tickle. Senses go immediately on high alert.) The stress of all this increases the overall volume on my senses, and so on and so forth. My low appetite stemming from the depression just makes me more depressed. I've lost 8 pounds in the last two weeks. I suppose if you had to find something positive about all this, there you go. Doesn't feel much like it though.

The Latuda is supposed to be improving my depression by regulating my dopamine levels. I don't think it's working. When I was on it before, it didn't seem to make a ton of difference, and as far as I can tell it's making none now. I have an extremely short emotional fuse - even when not itchy I frequently feel hopeless, overwhelmed, and I cry with very little provocation. The suicidal ideations, though not as strong as they were when I went into the hospital, are still there on occasion. I know it's only been not quite a week, but I seriously feel I need to get my medicine reevaluated.

The Xanax no doubt helps me relax, and so far the only way I've found to get a guaranteed night of sleep is to take one right before bed and then another one whenever I wake up, usually around 4am. I've tried my hardest to get back to sleep naturally, but even the lightest of tickles on my body is enough to ignite my senses and bring me back to full awakening. I don't know if it's healthy to be doing this, but I am so, so very desperate for sleep, even if it's just six hours.

I did notice yesterday that it seemed to help if about half way through the day I reapplied my skin cream. The worst of the "raw" feeling on my skin went away, though not all the itching.

So I still have no idea what, if anything is wrong with my body. One of my worst fears is that there is nothing wrong other than my usual winter itch, and that my mind has just become hypersensitive to everything I feel. In which case, it's all my fault because it's all been in my head, and more importantly - what's the answer?

The whole thing has been hell on R. She's been doing her best to cope and be supportive, telling me it's just stress and it will pass. But the more I break down in front of her, the more she has to cope with my high irrationality, the more I can see the cracks appear. We haven't slept in the same bed in almost a week now because my tossing and turning was keeping her awake too. I'm killing our relationship because I can't get my fucking brain to cooperate!!!

I want to be rational again. I want to go back in time three weeks to before everything went haywire. I was getting my body in shape, I was getting my education back in order, I had a new job - everything was heading in the right direction. And now... it's all gone to shit. My life is just shit. I just don't understand how it all went so wrong so fast. I just want to get better.
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Tuesday, February 14th, 2012

Subject:Further Adventures In Itching
Time:Der Date: Tuesday, February 14th, 2012
Der Time: 23:22.
Mood: crappy.
Today is Valentine's day. It's hard to feel romantic when you're fighting a war against your own body. I hope R understands tonight.

So... as far as my itchy situation goes. I spent Sunday night tossing and turning, making little progress. Up at 4:30, and a Tylenol PM down the hatch. Nothing. That was it for the night. The next day I read up a little and discover that dyphenilhydramine becomes pretty much non-reactive to the body after the 3rd day of taking it. So right on schedule, one of the bullets in my chamber was useless.

Monday night, I made the tough descion to sleep in S's room rather than with R, as we were keeping each other awake with our twitching and frequent waking up in the middle of the night. I took an Ambien, and had a very strange dream about arresting a football player because he was creating counterfeit miniature marshmallows. I woke up soon afterwords and stared at my hands, wondering if they were claws. I then looked at my watch - 2:30. I immediately said fuck it, and threw down two Ativan. Damn the consequences. Slept until 6, woke up, somehow fell back to sleep with little effort, and woke up with the alarm at 7:00. Not a terrible night, all things considered.

The doctor this morning (FINALLY) prescribed me a combination of (free samples of) Latuda and Xanax for the night. I hope these help me make it through the night tonight. I also saw a dermatologist, who had nothing really helpful to advise.

I have a new theory - that this is somehow related to the skin-writing phenomenon I had about 3 years ago. I think that was during the winter too. I am defiantly seeing the skin-writing effects right now. At the suggestion of several people, I'm going to try some Benadryl tomorrow before bed. If the problem is my body producing too much hystomine for some reason (in effect, as it feels "turning the volume up on my skin") then this should give me the relief I need so desperately. The Zyrtec didn't work, true, but this stuff works differently and mostly safely from what I understand.

Keep me in your thoughts, the few of you that read this journal. I have had so much support and love - it's really been an eye opener how much my friends will rally around me in a crisis. I love you all, and hopefully this is the beginning of the end.
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Sunday, February 12th, 2012

Subject:Further Down The Rabbit Hole
Time:Der Date: Sunday, February 12th, 2012
Der Time: 23:17.
Mood: sad.
Things are worse.

Another very rough night on Saturday. I attended R's therapy appointment that morning, and she suggested that I go to the emergency room and get help, since it didn't look like it was good for me to be traveling in the direction I was going for another 4 days. I spent 6 hours. Six blasted, god forsaken, itchy, bored, guilty hours in that ER. Lying on a bed. Under supervision because they were afraid I might be a danger to myself.

Finally, the social worker came to talk to me. I told her pretty much everything in my previous post. She seemed to think I wasn't a threat to myself or anyone else, so she discharged me with some prescriptions. I looked them over on the way home. They gave me a prescription for stomach relief and one for Ambien. I was shocked to find they had given me nothing for the panic attacks, which had really been my number one concern in the first place!

Even the mighty Ambien could not keep me asleep more than 4 hours. I woke at 4:30, tried and tried, and then made a major mistake of taking half a Tylenol PM. Taking half of one of those leads to a land of waking nightmares - where you're too tired to stay awake and too panicky to sleep. Around 8:00, after walking the floor, reading up on Maryland health insurance, and doing yoga, I made an executive decision to take another Tylenol PM. I took it, and then a few minutes later started panicking about my decision. I didn't want to sleep the whole day away and make it impossible to sleep again tonight. For the first time in my life, I forced my fingers down my throat and threw up as much of the contents of my stomach that I could.

I was told once by a bulimic Ex that throwing up forcibly felt different than throwing up when you're drunk. I'm honestly not sure what she was talking about. That was among the most unpleasant, shameful feelings I've ever felt. Especially when Rachel came down, having heard me doing it.

I had the biggest panic attack I think I've ever had in front of anyone right there in front of R. I just kept screaming and telling her she needed to help me die. She forced me to take two Ativan, which knocked me out for the next 4 hours.

I spend the rest of the day sleepwalking through life in a non-literal sense. R had taken S out to a winter carnival. I went out, bought a humidifier. Came back home. Had a yogurt to eat. Watched some shows about baseball and about predators and prey. Talked to my sister and mother for about an hour total. They gave me lots of encouraging words, which I appreciate.

Now I'm sitting in bed, waiting for the Ambient to kick in fully before I try to sleep. I pray for good dreams. Deep dreams. I pray when I wake up at 4 to go to the bathroom, I will fall back into bed and feel calm, immediately falling back to sleep. Not panicky and needing more of whatever I can take.

I pray I get better soon. I pray R won't get fed up and leave me. And as an atheist, I do not pray lightly.
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Friday, February 10th, 2012

Subject:The Mind Is A Fragile Place
Time:Der Date: Friday, February 10th, 2012
Der Time: 12:39.
I feel like I'm trapped in a living nightmare.

Things have gotten very, very bad over the last two weeks. Panic attacks have taken over my life. It all started last Monday, the day before I was to start my new job. I woke up about two hours early, itching like crazy. I just couldn't get it under control. I can't tell whether it's my usual winter itch or something worse. All I know is that I was in trouble, because I started panicking over the itch and the fact that I was going to start out my first week on the job with a sleep deficit. Things have gotten worse since then. 

It's almost like the volume on my skin has been turned up to 10, so in addition to whatever real dryness or itchiness there is, all kinds of sensations are being alerted to my brain, which reacts by panicking. When I tried to go to sleep, I would anticipate when the next flare of itchiness would come up, and start stressing and panicking. The exhaustion and stress of the new job made it that much worse. Desperate, I started taking some of R's Ativan, which worked well for about the first week and a half. Then I tried to cut it out, as the itching had gone down. I soon found that now I wasn't just itching as I tried to go to sleep, but panicking with no apparent trigger at all. I would be drifting off to sleep, and then a limb would twitch and scare me back awake, or my heart would start racing for absolutely no reason. From what I've read, there are symptoms of Ativan dependency that could be what I'm feeling, but at 0.5mg for a week and a half, I don't understand how I could have gotten hooked so easily. Last night, I stopped the Ativan completely and at R's suggestion, took one of her Trazadones. It got me to sleep fine, but I woke up at 4:30, and my brain went "oh god." Sure enough, the racing heart took over, and I tossed and turned until 6:00.

With an hour until I had to go to work, I did a very unwise thing and had a couple of drinks. I slept for about another 45 minutes until the alarm went off, at which point I realized I wasn't yet sober enough to go to work. I called out, which is probably not a great thing to do on your second week of work. R was pissed off at me, which I can't blame her for. She's been so supportive of me during this time, and I just wish I could repay her by getting better. I made an appointment with my psychiatrist, but he can't see me until next Wednesday. It's too long. I don't know what the fuck to do.

I get dry, itchy skin every winter it seems like. I don't know what's different this time. I haven't had panic attacks of this intensity and duration in at least 10 years. I use lotion, I shower before I go to bed, I excersize, I just don't know what I'm doing wrong, or what has happened to my brain / body to trigger this. There's been a lot of stresses in my life recently, I admit. I stopped taking Latuda because it was too expensive without insurance to afford. I started a new job. R's fits have been much worse as of late. But I would expect all this to trigger more depression, not panic attacks. And certainly not of this magnitude. There have been other symptoms too: my appetite is extremely low, and my libido has ground to a halt. These could just be overall depressed reactions, though. My stomach is constantly sore from the panic and the worrying about the panic.

I want to take care of the people around me, and to do well at my job. But as long as I feel so exhausted all the time, I just can't seem to focus on anything but my own pain.
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Tuesday, January 31st, 2012

Time:Der Date: Tuesday, January 31st, 2012
Der Time: 20:46.
Mood: scared.
As days go, they don't get much worse than this. My skin is mysteriously itchy / sensitive, leading to panic attacks while I'm trying to get to sleep. In turn, this leads to getting about 5 hours of sleep, which would be bad enough except that it was also the first day of my new job, which meant I was a wreck already going into a highly stressful situation. I spent the whole day suffering from occasional panic attacks, of a like and strength I haven't had in years. The job itself is not promising looking, but I'm reserving judgment until I actually get into it. In any case, if all goes right I won't have it for more than a week, as there's another job I'm moving towards nailing that is more permanent and DOESN'T involve working for the government.

I followed this up by taking a drug test (at least now I can take my Ritalin again), and sitting for 3 hours at the DMV, getting my tags renewed. Just too much stress and panic from too many sides today. It's hard to believe how fast things have gone from okay to miserable - in just two days.

Took an Adivan just now. I'm hoping this knocks me out for the entire night and makes up for the sleep I lost last night. I'm hoping my brain settles down and gives me a chance tomorrow. I can't fight the world and myself at the same time.
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Tuesday, January 17th, 2012

Time:Der Date: Tuesday, January 17th, 2012
Der Time: 22:12.
Mood: melancholy.
I wish it could be that when I was trying to make something better and was just going to end up making it worse, that I would get some kind of warning of that fact. Some sort of light going on on my wrist maybe, or a buzzer over my head that gave me a big bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz just as I started in on, "That's true, but have you thought about the fact that..."

A lot of heartache and trouble in my life could probably be saved if I had such a warning. A lot fewer nights like tonight.
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